…and i quote…

WARNING: These are word-for-word conversations with my two year old.

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hey guysh…have you sheen my shnorkel?

(Penelope –looking out the window at daddy on the tractor.)
“Daddy? …dad?? BRIAN MORSE…Get out of the street, the cars are comin!”
Mommy does a double take … wait… Did she just call her father by his first AND last name?! YUP. She totally did. In between halfway peeing my pants and dying laughing, I reminded her that she calls him “Daddy” and his friends call him Brian.
She then reminded me that they also call him “Bri” and that mommy calls him “Bri” too… I caaannnn’t. I mean, really…I just can’t with this broad. 

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shortly after playing in the fish tank, she decided to become one.

The very SECOND I forget to latch the bathroom door in an attempt to keep her out of there, she sneaks in and takes the glade candle off the back of the toilet and asks to blow it out. I tell her to “make a wish” and she blows it out…with more spit than air. She looks at me with her pointer finger in the air and says “jusss one more time mommy–n’ thass it!” so, I re-light it and she blows it out again…
I ask her what she wished for and she looks up at me with a big smile and says “MORE CANDLES…HOORAY!” And commences the ‘happy birthday’ song. It’s ALWAYS daddy’s birthday. God forbid Mommy get some cake/and/or recognition of any kind around here. Also child–when you wish for things…how about a maid? How about a trip for mommy to go to Hawaii…alone..!? How about a trip for mommy to go ANYWHERE alone?!  Never mind Dollar Tree birthday candles …just some ideas for next time.

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duck face…nailed it.


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cheapest bib ever… $1 bandana!

Mommy: Hey penel…Want to go to the new library soon ?
Penelope: Nope I’m good… I don’t!
Mommy: k…cool…

Mommy: We’re going to eat some kale and corn with your chicken nuggets for lunch today, k?
Penelope:  oh OK so popcorn and mushrooms?
Mommy: yup-exactly.

Mommy: (yawn)
Penelope: We go get cawfee mommy?

“Tickle tickle yittle oyyeeeee” as she’s squeezing the very life out of his foot (pinky toe is purple at this point)

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with toes like these, I’ll be climbin’ trees in no time.

While laying together in her bed for bedtime…“Mommy..ah you a monster?”
No penel… (even though I turn monster-ish when her nap is skipped–as does she)
“Oh…yeah… Just mommy right?!”

“Penelope–did you have fun at the party yesterday?”
“What did you do at the party?”
“I hit kids mommy. It’s fun”
“Yes– you did hit kids, and that was very naughty.  Hands are not for hitting.
“Oh…ya… It’s ok though, mommy…I be nice”

She’s over biting, which is great because mommy, daddy, and Ollie are no longer chew toys.  HOWEVER, she’s moved on to pinching, scratching, hitting, and SQUEEZING. One step forward and 35 back right?? I fully blame my husband for letting her have bites of his whey protein bars and for allowing her to watch UFC. She’s becoming the hulk.

Her hugs are never soft, her squeezes are like a boa constrictor. …It’s really not okay, though–my kids a girl bully (we joke) and was beating boys (and girls) up in the bouncy house at the birthday party we had last weekend. As if I can run in and pull her out while she’s triangle choking her friend in the middle of the inflatable “octagon” … My child was actually pinning boys twice her age to the point of tears, then she would get up and walk away while shrugging her shoulders saying “he cryin’ mommy”.

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this face almost always follows a naughty act.

Well gee, …I can’t imagine why he’s crying– (even though he was literally 4 years old and twice her size, I wanted to crawl in a hole as every parent is probably wondering what the frig goes on at Penelope’s house to make her wrestle like this) … The worst part is, she finds NOTHING WRONG with her actions, and makes a face like what’s his/her problem while she’s “submitting” them to the ground. As I’m yelling “LET GO OF HIM/HER” or “GET OFF OF HIM/HER” she’s looking around as if I don’t exist and laying horizontal over whatever victim struggles underneath her. She honestly thinks its funny to hug someone until they fall down to the ground and she lands on top of them.  I joke now, and “it will pass” they say when I ask my mom/aunts for advice on controlling her rough-neck behavior. Well ladies, (and gentlemen) if it doesn’t “pass” …she’ll be in juvi and we can all go visit her there during the designated hours for doing so! Her random ROUGHNESS and sudden urges to squeeze or attack are much like a shark or venomous snake. Freakin’ great, I just compared my two year old daughter to not one—but TWO deadly animals, humans everywhere would be afraid to encounter. Here’s the thing…If she gets a reaction from a kid (whining, screaming) she treats it like a game where she antagonizes to keep on getting a good scream from the other kiddo…you remember from school…cause and effect! –Honest to God, though–she has a complete smile on her face the whole time she’s doing it.  It could be an evil smile (most likely is) because she knows she’s being too rough–but it’s a smile!  This usually goes on for a few rounds until, of course, she’s distracted by a jelly bean.

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…after mauling several 2-4 year olds in the bouncy house, she found peace and tranquility in the arms of Elmo. 

I swear it depends on the kids she’s with…funny story–we just had a play date today with  3 other 2 year old toddlers and not ONCE did I have to talk to her about hitting. She played great the entire time! …I don’t get the mind of a toddler. Do you?
As her parents, we are proud of her for the GOOD she does do (on occasion). She’s so smart in so many ways, she was chit chatting in full sentences before she turned two, uses manners, remembers what you tell her, learns to do things on the first or second time they’re done, loves to be outside, sing songs, help cook, etc. It’s just that she hugs SO HARD that she brings you to the ground. Literally. It never seems to be out of anger. It’s like playful squeeeeeezing–but in your FACE… And really hard. Hey she’s 2…she’ll learn… “They say”…

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Ronda Rousey Jr. over here. Joking… She doesn’t actually watch UFC. Only commercials, if anything!…However, I AM still wondering how she gets such good form with that triangle choke she was performing in the bouncy house.  Who knows… I keep telling her to squeeze her stuffed animals and pillows if she needs to squeeze something. I keep telling her that humans don’t seem to like her squeezing habits. We will see how long it takes for this phase to end…