I’ve literally caught my pinky toe on 3 things today. It’s the shortest toe, too….like wtf. #itsred #itssore #itscurrentlyseperatedfromtheothers #lonelytoe #thislittlepiggy #fishhookslegchairs #andtricycles #WHYAMIBAREFOOT #itscoldoutnow…oh, and why haven’t I stopped walking so close to the legs of the dining room chairs after the first and second time I SNAGGED that lil’ sucker. One day, it’s just going to break off…it’s taken so much abuse lately.
You open the drawer and grab the biggest spoon you can find only to realize the Nutella jar has just enough for a sam’s club sample… And you wanted a shovels worth. #theynevergiveyouenough #SOweswitched #toBJs
You join crossfit thinking you’re cool as shit and on the second “real class” you leave walking like a newborn baby calf and are calling the “wall ball” every name in the book. #notbadassatall #myasshurts #actually #alotofthingshurt #dontcare #goingtomorrow for more blood, sweat, and tears. Let’s face it–mostly tears.
..there is actually graffiti on the wall stating “EMBRACE THE SUCK” so…I will accept the fact that for 7-30 minutes there will be hell to pay while I’m there but I will leave there with my head held high and my legs like J-E-L-L-O.
…then one day you wake up with two cheek pimples baffled because you haven’t had those since 8th grade and your husband tells you (4 days later) he’s been using your pillow for the past week. #oilydome #seriouslybro #thanksforpubertyroundtwo #wd40head #mrclean #betterthanfartingonmypillow
Ollie gets SO excited when he sees me stirring his cereal in with his fruits and veggies that I can only think of one thing–welcome to the family kid, we all love carbs ’round here. This morning I put the bowl of cereal right on his highchair tray as he was sitting up oh-so-sweetly eating a rubber block. BET YA CAN’T GUESS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!? Yup! He fisted it. Little chunky fist pounds the side of the bowl and completely flips the thing as if to grab a pile and eat it…or say, “yo–lady–get the spoon to my mouth a lil’ quicker”. Penelope was even shocked that he was this aggressive! Could this mean he is learning from her? Nooooooooooooooo. If there is a god… let him stay calm and sweet.
Even though we are total frenemies, Penelope definitely amazes me on MOST days. She gets so excited when it rains out that she’ll give me the side eye, deepen her voice, and say “yet’s go jump in puddoos, mom!” or “I need my waincoat n’ my boots if you want to pay ow-side” Then we get in the car to run Halloween crafting errands (stay tuned) and she starts singing “if all of the randrops” and “itsy bitsy spider” and proceeds to tell me “you sing those songs when it’s wainin’ out.”
Things I found in my dust pan this morning: Elmo sticker, corn from last night, bobbie pin, a purple crayon wrapper, an Old Navy clearance tag for 3.99 (wicked cute pair of pants for P), mini elastics, glitter, toilet paper pieces, a hair ball, a blue marshmallow from a box of frozen cereal, a ghost halloween sticker…annnnnnd one yellow lego, which I stepped on and almost cried…ok, maybe I did cry…just a little.
May I remind you I haven’t swept the bedrooms yet.
Moral of the story: WE are a filthy family…who need to sweep more.
…and it was just like that, that my husband and I realized if we want both nutty kids to be in bed and asleep by 8:30…we should start at noon. Holy cannoli–tonight was no exception to disaster. Crying over dinner, shirtless, then pantless–crying because she didn’t want a bath, crying because she didn’t want to get out of the bath. Crying when conditioner didn’t work to make her hair easier to brush, crying to get her pajamas on. Crying for a yogurt pop, then crying because it was too cold. Crying because we said she could save it in the freezer for tomorrow, and crying again because she didn’t want to wait ’til tomorrow to eat it–after she just cried saying she didn’t want it. All the while, poor Ollie is tossing and turning in his crib each time he hears the ogre moaning in the next room. If I wasn’t so freakin’ tired, I’d pour myself a gallon of wine and drink it under my covers. Dear tomorrow–please give me patience…and enough energy to drink wine after bath time.
Your President, CEO, and Founder of the “Complaint Dept.”